Money

Bet you can't name the currency used in China, the Philippines, or Russia, you insular know-it-all.

CTFsH

How to market catfish energy drinks.

Weak Ideas

Irritate your ears.

Another Drink

Or else you won't sleep.

A Bag of Chips, a Mr. Big, and Tang

Was a bad choice for dinner last night. God, I hate Ramadan.

Sevendust None the Richer

Now I'm doing your work for you, sharks.

Manslaughter

Like wearing tight jeans and having an orgasm by accident. Am I right, ladies?

Badminton

Tennis for the motor-skills impaired.

The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

Obviously some pussy wrote that.

Missing Dog Posters

If I were more artistically inclined, I'd collect missing-dog posters from across the globe and combine them into one big mural that would be considered a profound statement on globalization and humanity's shared flaw of always losing fucking dogs all the time.

Except I'm not an asshole. I take down that poster, and maybe Mickey isn't found by some high school kid drinking soju in the woods.

I hope you find your toy poodle, Mr. and Mrs. Park.

Hello?

An antiquated way to answer the phone.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

I hear it's good.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the Box Office, however? Not a fair fight.

(Because no one wants to see a movie about some loser who can't get laid. It's also why no one wants to read your blog about teaching English in Asia.)

Rupees

If you stress the second syllable instead of the first, hilariousness ensues.

Meadowlark Lemon

Best ethnic name ever.

Poetry

Just say no.

Table-Top Video Games

Failed in the 80's because restaurant owners got sick of people hanging out in their joint paying twenty-five cents for a game of Ms. Pac-Man instead of a two-dollar hot dog and coke.

Why You're Having Panic Attacks

You let a boy named Jake die in your world and then you went into another dimension where you killed the murderer who killed Jake in his world, so now there's a paradox, and it's driving you and Jake insane!

Fou!

You've Mellowed, Man

Cannibal Holocaust and I Spit on Your Grave no longer make you horny.

Rob Banks

Best name ever.

Drinking Expensive Scotch

Doesn't make you seem refined, college kids.

God

Thinks pretty highly of me. Probably because I've seen The Prince of Egypt like 300 times.

If You've Never Had a Gun Pulled on You

You're probably living in the right city. Unless it's a poor/trashy city where the tweakers and thieves pull out knives instead, like Hamilton, Ontario.

Cheetos

If you're not eating them with a spoon, you haven't evolved properly.

Twitter

Is only useful for celebrities, businesses, and resourceful prostitutes.

Getting a Perfect Score in Pac-Man

Isn't as hard as everybody says it is.

Try Starting a Tree Farm Business

It's going to be a long fucking time until that venture pays off.

Neck Tattoo

It doesn't make you edgy, cool, or tough; it makes you unemployable.

50 Cent

Has something against pluralization and/or hyphenation.

I'll be OK Tomorrow

Today never happened.

Jack Kirby

Created the Internet.

Spontaneous Combustion

Is real, people. Johnny Storm is just one example.

No One Falls Asleep With a Lit Cigarette

It's scientifically impossible.

Toothpaste

Prevents calculus. If only my mouthwash could fight algebra.

Celery

The forgotten vegetable.

Turn on the TV Right Now

Beastmaster is probably on. Marc Singer is a yummy cupcake of manliness.

Pot is a Gateway Drug

To Stargate.

Math

Is erotic in the future.

This City

Wasn't built on rock-and-roll at all.

Dogs

Know a lot of secrets.

You Think You're So Conflicted

But the truth is that you're a spectacular asshole.

Stanley Kubrick

Would have made a great NASCAR movie.

Heineken

Is more fun pronouncing than drinking.

Tomorrow

Will be muggy.

My Upstairs Neighbor

Is a serial rapist/murderer.

Blood

An acquired taste, like coffee and peanut-butter ramen.

Flintstones Vitamins

The reason your children are addicted to drugs.

Spike Lee

Will win an Oscar before the Knicks win a title.

You Can Eat Habaneros

Because you're emotionally dead.

The Akinator

Didn't guess Montana Fishburne.

Deers

Should be domesticated.

Lung Cancer

Is all in your imagination.

Leonard Nimoy

Paved the way for nerd acceptance as much as MLK did for civil rights.

Why I Won't Give Bums Spare Change

They'll probably spend it on alcohol. Cheap alcohol. Have some dignity, hobos.

The Name Woody

Only works if you're famous. But how does one get famous if one has such a terrible name? Answer: one can't. Catch 22, Dick/Richard.

The Greatest Invention

Towel.

Cormac McCarthy

Is just fucking with you. No one who intentionally doesn't capitalize "english" or "america" can be taken seriously.

Super Nintendo, SEGA Genesis

You are eating sardines for dinner.

Masturbation

You're probably doing it right now.

You Don't Understand the Plot of Inception

Because you spent half its running time texting your dumb friends.

Waterboarding

Is not as fun as it sounds.

The Gay Rapper

Isn't the guy you thought it was.

The gay rapper is гей.

Your Moms

Is a nice lady. She bailed me out of jail.

Ramen

Is mostly water and crack.

You Don't Use Spell Check

Because you're always right.

Happy Days

Was canceled because Henry Winkler shot Tom Bosley in the face with a rifle.

You Left a Pubic Hair on the Toilet Seat at Work

And now we have your DNA, you rapist.

Two-Way Glass

That girl you raped? Chances are she can see you right now. Stop winking at yourself.

Coke Zero

I'm sorry, nothing is weird or shady about Coke Zero. My third wife breastfeeds our children with it. I have heard, though, that it makes you impotent when having sex with zebras, which is why the Japanese are considering taking it off the market.

John Landis

Has a vendetta against Vietnamese children. It's been 20 years since his last act of vengeance, but that doesn't mean he's reformed.

You are a Plagiarist

Jesus wrote, "Thou shalt not kill," not you. So why is it on your helmet without the words "Though," "shalt," and "not," soldier? You are taking liberties and misquoting my grandfather.

You Abuse Animals for Fun

I saw you riding a merry-go-round at an amusement park.

You Stole My MP3 Player

Because you look poor and install cable for a living.

Those Shoes Didn't Cost 19 Dollars

More like three-hundred and nineteen dollars.